The Ballad of Katniss Clones and Leather Pants
by AmericanPi
Summary: (Complete) It's the Tenth Annual Hunger Games, and the inexplicably seventeen-year-old Coriolanus Snow is assigned to mentor a District 12 female tribute named Sagittaria Denver. Never mind that Snow grows up to be an evil dictator - here he is totally a sympathetic hero, y'all! Contains criticisms of and predictions for The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.
1. Chapter 1

Hi my name is Coriolanus An'gel Dictator Malfoy Snow and I have curly snow white hair (that's how I got my name) with platinum blond streaks and glittery tips that smells of white roses and stormy gray eyes like wild tempests and a lot of people tell me I look like Joffrey Baratheon (if you don't know who he is get the hell out of here!). I'm not related to Draco Malfoy but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a villain but I'm also a Gary Stu. I have pale white skin. I'm also a Panemian, and I go to an Academy in the Capitol where I'm a senior (I'm seventeen). I'm rich (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly white. I love Valentino and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a white long-sleeved dress shirt under a very light blue almost white tuxedo jacket with gold trim and a white rose, very light blue almost white dress pants and white dress shoes. I was wearing White Desert Rose perfume, White Garden Rose throat spray, White Moonlight Rose hand lotion and White Royal Rose face cream. I was walking outside the Academy. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of oppressed people stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Coriolanus!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was… Sagittaria Denver!

"What's up Sage?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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**A/N: This is going to be a quick parody story inspired by today's revelations about **_**The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes**_**, the Hunger Games prequel that is set during the 10th Games and will be released on May 19th, 2020. Today is January 21st, 2020, and it was just revealed that a teenaged President Coriolanus Snow will be the protagonist of **_**The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes**_**. I am very unhappy about this for multiple reasons, the main one being that I don't want to see the evil dictator Snow as a sympathetic hero. I'm also predicting a lot of ridiculous things to happen in the book, and I will include these predictions in my parody story.**

**If you can't tell already, this story contains heavy criticisms towards **_**The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes **_**and its premise, so if you don't like it, don't read.**

**Many thanks to **_**CelticGames4**_**, **_**HogwartsDreamer113**_**, **_**Sinfonian Legend**_**, **_**TheAmazingJAJ**_**, and **_**TheEngineeringGames**_** for helping me brainstorm ideas for this story.**


	2. Chapter 2

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I got up out of my evil dictator bed and drank some rebel tears from a bottle I had. My bed was made of the bones of impoverished citizens and the mattress was covered with a lot of fancy white sheets. I got out of bed and took off my giant Donald Trump T-shirt which I used for pajamas. I put on a white dress shirt, a white dress jacket, white dress pants, and white dress shoes. I put on four white roses on my tuxedo jacket, and put my hair in a kind of straight comb-over.

My friend Nemo woke up and grinned at me. He smoothed his wavy medium-length coral orange hair with white streaks and opened his golden yellow eyes. He put on his black dress shirt with a black tie, black dress pants and black dress shoes. We put on our scented beauty products (perfume, lotion, and throat spray).

"Who were you talking to yesterday?" Nemo asked. "Who's Sage?"

"She's the District 12 Female who I haven't met yet but know I'll fall in love with," I said, blushing.

"What the fuck Snow, are you high?" Nemo asked, looking at me with concern on his face. I plucked a white rose from my tuxedo jacket. It turned into a poison dart, which I threw into Nemo's neck. He slumped over, dead. Good riddance. I was evil and evil people killed their friends for no reason.

"That was nobody," I muttered as I went to the Academy. In a very important meeting, I was assigned to mentor the District 12 Female in this year's Hunger Games, the Tenth (never mind that, according to canon, I was supposed to be twelve years old right now considering that I'd be seventy-six years old during the 74th Games. I was seventeen in this story and that was the retcon, now deal with it.).

Read the official excerpt or something, I'm not going to tell you the details of what happened at the Academy. Anyways, I was soon on the tribute train, ready to meet this District 12 girl.

Just then, Sagittaria Denver, said District 12 girl, walked up to me.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," I replied flirtily.

"Guess what?" she said.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm a Katniss clone," she told me. "I volunteered for my twelve-year-old sister, Primula Denver. I'm a sixteen-year-old female tribute from District 12, and I hunt in the woods with a bow and arrow. Heck, even my name makes me a Katniss clone because Sagittaria is the scientific name for the katniss plant and Denver is a corruption of Everdeen. But please call me Sage."

"Sage," I said, my heart beating super fast. What was this feeling? I was evil and wasn't supposed to feel things! Unless… this was the beginning of a redemption arc?

That was certainly possible, but that didn't prepare me for the next thing I said to my mentee.

"I love you."

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**A/N: I forgot to mention this last chapter, but yes, this story totally takes inspiration from **_**My Immortal**_**, the world's most infamous bad fanfiction.**


	3. Chapter 3

That night I put on my black lace-up boots. Underneath them were socks made of human suffering. Then I put on my favorite leather pants. I put on a matching leather jacket over a snow-white undershirt. I fluffed up my hair and made it look all sexy. I felt a little evil then, so I kicked a dog. I read Mein Kampf while I waited for it to stop whimpering and I listened to Donald Trump's 2020 State of the Union Address. I put on TONS of rose-scented products. I drank some rebel tears so I was ready to have my sympathetic bonding scene with my mentee.

I went into the main train compartment. Sage was waiting there with a bow and arrow. She was wearing a hunter's outfit and her hair was a long braided ponytail that ran down her back.

"Hi Sage!" I said in an evil voice.

"Hi Coriolanus," she said back. We sat together on the train and rode to the Capitol Arena. On the way we excitedly watched Twilight and New Moon. We both talked about ourselves and our future. When we got there, we both hopped out of the train. We went to the most romantic movie theater in the Capitol and gazed into each other's eyes as we rewatched New Moon.

"I'm so weak and useless now that Edward has left me for a little bit," said Bella.

"Bella is so fucking hot," I said to Sage, pointing to the girl as she wallowed in blandness, filling the movie theater with her amazing lameness.

Suddenly Sage looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we held hands in the theater. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's okay, I don't like her more than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Sage sensitively and she put her arm around me all protective.

"Really," I said. "Besides I don't even know Bella and she's going out with Edward fucking Cullen. I fucking hate that little son of a bitch," I said disgustedly, thinking of his ugly vampire face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Sage. After the movie, we drank some wine and bought some Twilight Saga merchandise. We got New Moon tees. Sage and I crawled back towards the Capitol Arena, but Sage didn't go into the Arena, instead she led me into… the woods behind District 12!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry I disappeared for so long, but if you've kept up with my profile notes you'll know what's been going on. Long story short, I've been drifting away from FanFiction due to the last few months being rough. I'm doing better now, and I do intend on going back to FFN, but at a lower activity level. I did want to get **_**something **_**out while I eased myself back into writing, though, so here it is.**

* * *

"SAGE!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Sage didn't answer but she ducked under the electric fence that surrounded District 12. I ducked under it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Coriolanus?" she asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Sage leaned in extra-close and I looked into her Seam gray eyes which revealed so much depressing sorrow and heroism and then I suddenly didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly Sage kissed me passionately. Sage climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. She took off my top and I took off her clothes. I even took off my leather pants. Then I put

_"STOP!" the narrator shouts, bursting into the scene. "Stop it right there!"_

* * *

**A/N: Expect the next and last chapter or two during the upcoming few days!**


	5. Intervention

_"Hey, what gives?" Coriolanus asks. "Sage and I were having a thing here."_

_"Yes, and that is exactly what the problem is," the narrator says. "Jeez, miss four chapters and things fall apart. I'm sorry I'm late, but seriously Coriolanus? An M-rated scene in a teen story?"_

_"Aw, come on," Coriolanus pouts. "Can't I have my silly memetic bullshit love story with a headstrong girl from District 12, only for said bullshit love story to be the needlessly creepy reason for why I'm so obsessed with Katniss in the main trilogy?"_

_"What?" Sagittarius asks._

_"I'm sorry Sage, you're not the author, narrator, or POV character, so you wouldn't understand," the narrator says sympathetically. "And Coriolanus… this isn't my story. I'm just telling it. If, after we re-rail things, you still want to have a romantic plot with Sage, maybe the author will allow it."_

_"Author?" Sage says, looking confused. "Does this mean that I'm part of a story?"_

_"Yes, Sage, and thanks to my lateness it's currently a completely derailed mess," the narrator grumbles. "Coriolanus, Sagittarius… I'm afraid we're going to have to take things back to the start of the story so that it can proceed properly and without any derailing memes."_

_"Start of the story?" Coriolanus says, wrapping his arms tighter around Sage. "But Sage and I were just about to-"_

_"Like I said, the love story between the two of you can still happen, if the story calls for it," the narrator said impatiently. "Now, come on, we're wasting time."_

_"What's going to happen now?" Sage asks._

_"All of us will go to the way things are at the beginning of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes," the narrator explains. "Coriolanus, you'll be at the Capitol, and Sagittarius, you'll be in District 12. As for me, I'll finally be doing my job properly and telling the story."_

_"Alright, I understand," Coriolanus says with a sigh. "I still get to have my start of darkness and obsession with Katniss and District 12 thanks to tragically falling in love with my District 12 Female tribute mentee, right?"_

_The narrator sighs. "Perhaps that is, regrettably in my humble opinion, in the cards. Now, is everyone ready?"_

_"Wait," Sage says. "Please let Coriolanus and I say goodbye."_

_"I… suppose I can give you two a bit of time before we re-rail things," the narrator grumbles._

_"Thank you," Sage breathes. She and Coriolanus begin making out against their tree, and the narrator sighs again. More black clothes fall to the ground, and_

_"Oh, for fucks sake," the narrator grumbles, setting everything back to normal and deciding not to let the M-rated scene play out._

-END-


End file.
